I still like the boy and I don't know why. He's a nice distraction from the bigger problems in my life but he's ceased to distract me from everything that's wrong. Now he's just one thing on the list. But I can't let go because, no matter how many times I try to deny it, I have hope. And I can't let go of one of the few things I can actually hope for.

I hate it. I hate feeling so hopeless and so disappointed. I feel like nothing ever goes my way. I thought I was finally doing everything right last year, choosing school and responsibility over everything, but everything got all fucked up anyway. I fail at everything I try except writing. Not that I succeed-- I never meet my screenplay goals and I can't write a decent poem to save my life. I do manage to eek out a good screenplays every so often. I fail at everything else. I didn't meet a single goal for the summer and all of my goals were relatively realistic.

I understand that I can't always get what I want. Even that I can't usually get what I want. But how about what I need?



hold me close like we both died
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