That desire seems so removed now. I'm filled with problems that occasionally pull me from okay to not so okay and there's no denying that I'm fucked-up, as I've so eloquently decided to label it, but my desire for romance has faded to near obsolete. Conventional love songs leave me feeling little while the one's that are sweet in a sick kinda way leave me looking forward to the day I find someone fuck up and fuck each other's lives up together. Mutual destruction could be so beautiful. Wanting a boyfriend always used to linger in the back of my mind. It's still something I'd like eventually but I'm no longer in a hurry. It's not like I want some boring, conventional guy or relationship. I'm a car crash posing as a fender bender and I don't want to pull anyone into the destruction. Not yet anyway. I'm only 17. I got my fill of high school relationships my sophmore year and I've been holding out ever since. None of the guys I've wanted fit the description. Knowing what I could have is something I don't want, leaves me with a sense of power.

It's the same with friends. There are quite a few who think we're very close, but in reality I tell them few things that really matter to me. In reality, they barely know me. But we hang out, and talk about things that mean nothing to me, and have fun together. I'm not a loser or a shut in. I have a life. More of a life than I need.

One day I'll fall in love and it will tear me to shreads. I look forward to it.



hold me close like we both died
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